THE AFFLICTIONS

PIA MATER · THE AFFLICTIONS

The Afflictions.

Every complaint brought to me is examined, numbered and kept on file. None has been dismissed as trivial.

12 AFFLICTIONS ON FILE

FINDINGS

The Afflictions is PIA MATER's register of everyday annoyances, each given a short, deadpan, fictional diagnosis: cold coffee, expired passwords, itchy jumpers, meetings that could have been emails. Twelve are on file, numbered and never reused. Three come with a prescription: THE NIMBUS., a hand-knit beanie in extra fine merino, silk and cashmere; SPECIMEN Nº 001., a made-to-order knitted tank; and THE VOLVELLE., a free outfit tool. None of it is medical advice. The garments are real.

Your coffee has gone cold.

A tragedy of almost biblical proportions. I have ordered three days of mourning.

Painting of an old woman with her hands clasped in prayer at a table laid with bread, a jug and a bowl. — FIG. 001 · AN OLD WOMAN SAYING GRACE · EUROPEANA

The password has expired.

The patient must invent a new secret, unlike the previous twelve. A cruel and unusual punishment.

Engraved chart of twenty-four square cipher symbols in a grid. — FIG. 002 · A TABLE OF CIPHERS · EUROPEANA

A label is touching your neck.

The patient has been subjected to prolonged textile persecution. The offending article must be dealt with.

Portrait of a young woman in an enormous lace ruff and a jewelled headdress. — FIG. 003 · A PORTRAIT IN A RUFF · EUROPEANA

READ THE FULL EXAMINATION

Mercury is in retrograde. Again.

I have filed a complaint.

Engraving of Jupiter enthroned beside Mercury, in a winged hat, inside a ring of zodiac signs. — FIG. 004 · JUPITER AND MERCURY AMONG THE SIGNS · NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY

Your jumper itches by lunch.

The patient appears to be under attack by her own garments.

Painting of a seated woman in a black habit and white headdress, knitting. — FIG. 005 · A WOMAN KNITTING · CLEVELAND MUSEUM OF ART

THE NIMBUS. The body is seventy-five per cent extra fine merino, twenty per cent silk and five per cent cashmere, chosen because ordinary wool itches and I see no reason you should.

BODY: 75% EXTRA FINE MERINO · 20% SILK · 5% CASHMERE
HALO AND WINGS: ROWAN PATINA, OLD GOLD · 46% MOHAIR · 24% NYLON · 20% MERINO · 10% POLYESTER
STARS: 100% MERINO, NEON, BY HAND
MAKING: HAND-KNIT · MADE IN IRELAND
PRICE: €240

Apply to the head. Repeat daily.

Someone asks you to turn your camera on.

An act of unnecessary public exposure.

Group portrait of bearded civic guardsmen in large white ruffs, gathered round a table. — FIG. 006 · A COMPANY OF CIVIC GUARDS · EUROPEANA

A meeting that could have been an email.

I consider this a form of organised cruelty.

Group portrait of four women in lace caps and a man, seated at a table with papers and a ledger. — FIG. 007 · THE GOVERNORS IN SESSION · EUROPEANA

I have prepared a specimen. SPECIMEN Nº 001. A cropped, slightly boxy knitted tank, ribbed at the neck, the armholes and the hem. Merino, silk and baby alpaca. It is on the needles now.

FIBRES: MERINO · SILK · BABY ALPACA
MAKING: MADE TO ORDER · MADE IN IRELAND
STATUS: UNDER EXAMINATION

It will not make the meeting shorter. It will, however, be the most interesting thing in the room while the meeting continues.

Your sleeve has caught on a door handle.

Compelling evidence of a malevolent presence.

Dark print of a hooded woman lit from below by a lantern. — FIG. 008 · A WOMAN WITH A LANTERN · CLEVELAND MUSEUM OF ART

You have nothing to wear.

An acute case of Wardrobe Paralysis. Prognosis: grave.

Painting of two women in bonnets sewing among a heap of patterned fabric. — FIG. 009 · TWO WOMEN AT THEIR SEWING · EUROPEANA

The Volvelle. You turn the wheel, and it prescribes something new from the clothes you already own.

It costs nothing. Nothing is bought, and nothing is thrown away.

OPEN THE VOLVELLE

A quick question.

The patient has suffered a grievous interruption.

Hand-coloured print of a startled man in a top hat at a desk, while a neighbour leans out of a shuttered window above him. — FIG. 010 · A NEIGHBOUR AT THE WINDOW · BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

The code works, but no one knows why.

Witchcraft. Proceed with caution.

Painting of a scholar reading in a cluttered study full of books, a globe, jars and instruments. — FIG. 011 · A SCHOLAR IN HIS STUDY · NATIONAL HISTORICAL MUSEUM OF SWEDEN

Your socks slide down inside your shoes.

A creeping affliction of the lower extremities.

Engraving of a human skeleton bent forward, walking through a landscape. — FIG. 012 · A SKELETON, WALKING · NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY

COMMON AFFLICTIONS

What is The Afflictions?

A numbered register of everyday annoyances, from cold coffee to meetings that could have been emails, each examined with complete gravity and given a fictional diagnosis. It is free to read and shares one entry at a time.

Is any of this medical advice?

No. Every diagnosis is fictional. The prescriptions are clothes, or a free outfit tool. The garments are real.

What can I wear if wool makes me itch?

THE NIMBUS. is a hand-knit beanie whose body is 75% extra fine merino, 20% silk and 5% cashmere, chosen because ordinary wool itches and I see no reason you should. It costs €240.

What do I wear when I have nothing to wear?

Open THE VOLVELLE. It is free. You turn the wheel, and it prescribes something new from the clothes you already own.

Can I share one affliction?

Yes. Each entry has its own link and a COPY LINK button, so you can send the exact complaint to the person responsible.

What ails you?

If your complaint is not yet on file, it will be.

INSPECT THE SPECIMENS THE AFFLICTIONS, IN FULL

Treatment remains available.

* A FICTIONAL DIAGNOSIS. NOT MEDICAL ADVICE. THE GARMENTS ARE REAL.